Who's a Shantarian?

2006-04-04T22:53:00.000-04:00

Politics

Our faith is growing rapidly, and we are privileged to have some famous celebrities who have joined our cause. We also are looking forward to the next Presidential elections, when we will be prepared to introduce a candidate who will best represent our interests and capture America for the glory of the Great Cockroach God (Arisixeti: He Who Eats That Which We Cannot).

Tom Cruise

We are pleased to announce that Tom Cruise has recently joined our cause. As we know, you can be a Scientologist without giving up your religion, because Scientology considers the belief in a God or gods as something personal and therefore offers no specific dogma. Here is a photo of him at a recent gathering, saluting The High Priest of Arisixeti himself (note the snazzy armbands).

Tom Cruise stands as a role model to us all. He has subjugated his wife so much that she was not allowed to make any noise while giving birth, nor was she allowed pain killers. He has yet to choose a name for his female but rumors are he will be re-naming her Bertha Holmes. He named his child "Suri", which we consider to be properly humiliating, even though it is not on the Holy List of Names.

The Roachettes

Here are our famous dancers, The Roachettes. Like the Rockettes, they're well-known for their high kicks and energetic performance. But their performance is for the glory of Arisixeti: He Who Eats That Which We Cannot.

Some extremist fundamentalist Shantar leaders literally interpret the scripture where Arisixeti says:

"Yea, thou shalt verily be given 100 slightly used dancing girls if thou meets thy death through self-immolation with a can of flaming Raid while attacking those who doubt Me.

Not 80, nor 99, but 100 maidens thou wilt be given. If a woman dies the same way, she shalt be given a piece of moldy bread and a warm corner in my kitchen. Thus saith Arisixeti." Stanza 48:22 of Thus Arisixeti Spoke.

Cockroach: The Band

The famous band Cockroach is of course a great devotee of ours. Shown here are two recent album covers. One critic recently wrote "Their music is kicky, with a middle eastern flair. The lyrics are well-written and very interesting. Far be it from me to judge someone else's religious preferences, so I will happily say that their song "Subjugate The Women" is one of the best I've ever heard. They are a band willing to take chances, with another recent hit "Kill the Infidels With Flaming Raid, I Wanna Be in the Hit Parade."" -Tim Dickinson of Rolling Stone Magazine.

They live according to the tenets of scripture and stand as an example to the youth of America. All their women are renamed, and have assumed the Holy Drapes, as befits a woman.

One of the members has even shipped his woman to Heilongjiang Province of China, in preparation of the Great Emigration of Temptresses,* but the remaining members of the band have not finished using their women yet.

Cockroach Australia

These performance skateboard wheels have long been famous in skateboarding circles. But most people are not aware that the owner and founder of the company, Xavier Strathlemeier, is a devotee of the Great God Arisixeti.

All proceeds go to world domination, stockpiles of Raid and Roach Bombs for Freedom Fighters, and (of course) the subjugation of women.

Everyday People

Our devotees come from all walks of life. Our Holy Cockroach Temples always need volunteers. Here is a happy volunteer in the basement of one of our temples. Our goal is to honor the Great God Arisixeti by feeding and nurturing his children.

Children are almost naturally devoted to cockroaches, and it's easy to recruit them for the Great God Arisixeti. Female children are instantly renamed. Here is K-mart Higgenbotham with a sacred cockroach.

*"Because all women are temptresses, and cannot be as wonderful as a man, or as smart, or as virtuous, or as courageous, or as competant; and are only good for procreation, raising children, and cooking (oh, and sometimes cleaning) they shalt be used until the male has no more use for them, and then they shalt be exiled to the Heilongjiang Province of China, where they will serve out the remainder of their days in praise and worship to me." Stanza 31:9 of Thus Arisixeti Spoke.

Shantarians

Who's a Shantarian?